Anxiety Strikes!!

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Ramblings of a ”Ugly” Situation

Time to rant.
I hate it when boys sit there and talk about how beautiful other girls are, and you sit there listening to them talk and talk wondering if they're ever going to compliment you. And they never do, which makes you feel ugly in comparison to these girls with big boobs, caked on makeup, and perfect hair.
The worst part, these boys are just your friends. Not your boyfriend who had seen you at your worst. It's sad that I still look towards others opinions on how I look.
What others don't know is that I have no self-esteem. I do see myself as ugly. Only when I do try my best to look pretty does it make me feel better but it's rare.
I want to be beautiful, correction: I want to feel beautiful. I want to have confidence and stance. Not just this awkward nobody just standing here listening to you ramble on about this girl and how badly you want to date her just based on looks.
So the next time you hear someone commenting on how ”hot/sexy” someone is, punch them in the face... Well maybe not.

Beautiful Girls

Growing up as a girl has shown me a life of roller coasters. The ups and downs, the good and the bad, the pretty and the pretty ugly.
There is so many societal rules when it comes to beauty. Many people believe that beauty comes from the eye of the beholder. Or for others it's becoming like cold, hard, plastic Barbie. Only problem is... Everyone wants to be her.
Almost everyone that I hang out is an example of this, from work to family. The vain reality of beauty.
-Excessive makeup
-Fake tanning/Spray tans
-Manicures/Pedicures
-Push-up Bras
-High heels
-Cleavage
The list can drag on and on. I see girls that I'm friends with that obsess over how they look. My step sister is a victim of this. Blonde bombshell with a nice body. And I know guys that drop their jaw every time a "Barbie" walks by.
I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. Just last week I did receive a spray tan, went and got a manicure and pedicure, and had my eyebrows waxed. But it also was my best friends wedding and I was having crazy anxiety. I like feeling good about myself and sometimes that comes from me looking good; but it's mostly for myself and not the enjoyment of others. My boyfriend is sweet and does tell me that I am beautiful when I'm in sweats and no makeup.
And I hate walking into work and having people tell me, "You're wearing makeup today?!" And I want to reply: I WEAR MAKEUP EVERYDAY... just not as much as accepted. I realized that if I take the extra effort to look nice and decent I will receive more compliments. But what if I don't want to waste my time looking good, I want to live my life and do my best.

Day light savings

No, I will not change my clocks to mess with my mind. No, I don't want to wake up an hour earlier than normal.
I have nothing really to rant about at this moment so I decided to talk about day light savings and how much I hate it.
So my best friend Leslie is getting married this Friday and she decided to ask me to do her makeup... I'm freaking out. I honestly don't think that I'm that good at it. I don't even have time to practice on her! Hopefully I don't make her look like a drag queen or something out of a fairytale. At least she trusts me with this; I don't know if I would.

Moving Out: For Good or Bad??

My step sister, Ashleigh, is moving out in a few months because she is getting married. And since my parents think that we won't need as much space, they want to down size. Unfortunately for them they'd be losing a lot of money. Lucky for me because I don't wanna move yet. I like this house and the location. I'm not ready to leave. There was some discussion and the plan is to wait. But... The plan for Ash's room, which I want, is to turn it into a work out room. I'm really upset that they didn't ask me. After all, I'm still living under the same roof. Well, I hope everything works out for the best.

Marriage

My best friend of over 7 years is getting married next week.
Living in Utah is really strange, yet I've lived here my whole life. It seems strange that all the young adults are getting married right out of high school or in their early years of college. My friend is only 19. She has her whole life ahead of her.
I don't want to say anything to her because I don't want to push her away. I just think that she's not really thinking about how this is going to affect her life. Her fiance is a few years older than her. He's been on his mission and it has been 2 years since he's been back, but she still hasn't seen the world.
She had so many plans for after high school. So far she's gone out of state for school and volunteered to teach little kids in Russia. It's a good step, but for her it's nothing. She had so much she wanted to do. I hope that he won't stop her from reaching her life goals.
This whole experience has been really hard on me. I can't wrap my head around this event about to occur. My level of anxiety has reached max level. I'm having new symptoms and it scares me. Usually I lock myself in my room and cry it out, but now my palms are always sweaty and my heart races at a million miles per hour and sometimes I get hit with nausea. I began taking half of my mom's medication to see if it would help me. It has but to a certain extent. I might need to go back to my doctor and see what they can do for me.
I just don't know what to do. I guess nothing. Just sit back and support her the best I can.

Meg & Dia

I'm so lucky to have amazing friends. My friend Alyce is taking me to the Dia Frampton concert tonight. She says that the whole Meg & Dia band will be there. We're getting there early to do some sight seeing.
I haven't been a huge Meg & Dia fan, but recently I have been loving Dia's album "Red." Being Alyce's friend through high school did teach me some of their music, like "Monster" and "Black Wedding." She was always obsessing about them. Lucky for her, she was able to have guitar lessons by them. She's a big boardie and good friends with the whole band.
But tonight Alyce is taking me to the concert! And I am so excited!! I have no work today so I'm getting ready all day.
We even might get to hang out with them after the concert. :D

Sick feeling

Today is one of those days where I feel like poo. I woke up exhausted and could barely open my eyes. I went to school and started feeling sick. On my way home I was trying to eat some apples and immediately started gaging. Now I'm at work and had to work in the kitchen. It was so hard on me. I wanted to run to the bathroom.
Hannah is being a sweetheart and closing for me. I'll be going home at 8.

DON'T BLINK. BLINK AND YOU DIE.

BlueSuns Masks and Accessories

Okay, okay. I know I'm supposed to be going to bed, but... I really want to share something. I have an etsy account and I sell masks. I know, I know. MASKS! What am I thinking? Well, I love masks. They're wonderful for many things:

1. Halloween costume
2. Disguise
3. Become the Phantom of the Opera's wife
4. Theatre production
5. To hang on your wall

Those may not seem so great but they really are, especially #3. ;)
I am continually trying to come up with more ideas for my masks and trying to complete them and put them on my little shop for others to purchase and enjoy. So, if you have an idea for a mask you'd like me to see, SEND ME A COMMENT. :D
I'll be posting the link to my shop below!
Thanks!

~BlueSuns

http://www.etsy.com/shop/BlueSuns?ref=si_shop

Ikea

Today was really uneventful. I woke up around 9:30ish from Josie trying to get really close to my face and lick me. I think that she was bored of waiting for me to get up; so I finally did. Then I decided to mull around the house and get ready for the day.

My parents decided that it would be really fun to head to Ikea to look around. We ended up spending quite a while in Ikea... I didn't spend any money, but my parents did. They're tying to buy everything for the cottage/shed that they haven't built yet. After all the shopping we went home and sat around some more.

I've have not been productive at all today. Partly due to the fact that I'm exhausted and can't seem to get enough sleep lately. At about 5:30ish I wanted to go take a nap but realized that it was too late to. Which is really stupid of me because it is 10:20 and I need to go to bed. But I like staying up late, I'm the only one in my family. They're all early risers... Whereas I am not. I like my sleep thank you very much.

I've been watching a lot of Youtube videos lately. Mostly Daily Grace and Olga Kay. They make me want to go out and film myself. Kinda strange... I don't like seeing myself on camera. Maybe I'll get Xander to help. :) He likes that kind of stuff.

Well, I think it's time for me to go. Bed is calling me and my dog is complaining. So good night to those who read this. Sleep well, and go to bed on time. ;)

~BlueSuns

Driving In the Snow

Let me just begin by saying, I HATE THE SNOW!
I was on my way to school today and I just pulled out of my driveway when I realized how slick the roads were when my car didn't want to pull forward. It was a warning, and I didn't listen. So I begin heading out of my neighborhood and onto a busier street. My car did not want to turn on the slick surface. I had to keep slowing way down to turn or merge lanes. I was pulling up to a really busy road to turn left onto when all of a sudden an idiot pulled right in front of me. I had to slam on my breaks,praying that I'd stop in time. Oh no, I kept sliding! I finally turned the wheel so that I ended up on the other side of the vehicle that decided to cut me off and give me a heart attack. I then decided that I was not going to drive the rest of the way to school. I was able to flip a U and go back home. I do not want to go out today, unluckily for me I have to go to work in a few minutes; luckily for me, it's 5 minutes away.

I really should be going to bed. I have school in the morning and I'll have to shower before going... Good night!

MATT SMITH

I don't even know where to begin when talking about Matt Smith.
First Sighting: When I first saw Matt Smith was when I was watching Doctor Who on BBC. The 10th Doctor, played by David Tennant, regenerated into Matt Smith, the 11th Doctor. At first I was really upset at who they chose. I thought that he couldn't do as good of a job at being the Doctor as David Tennant. It took me a few episodes to change that whole outlook. Now I'm obsessed with Matt Smith. My boyfriend, Xander, calls him my "celebrity crush," the one famous guy that I would run off with. Which is kinda true...
Current Emotions: Anytime I can bring up Doctor Who or Matt Smith is a glorious time. I can show people pictures of him. Most of the time people's responses are: "Um, Kels. He's not very attractive." "YES, HE IS!" I reply back hiding his face from there view. I really want to travel to London, England and meet him. I want to know if he's anything like the Doctor and if so, I'm kidnapping him and keeping him in my basement.
See picture to understand...

hair. hair. hair.

I really have no clue what to do with my hair. At first I was really wanting to keep letting it grow out; just so I can have a great braid for when The Hunger Games comes out in theaters. But with my long hair I wanted to dip dye it. So the hair goes from dark brown to blonde.
Then... I watched Resident Evil and saw Milla Jovovich's hair and wanted it. The short and messy hair. It would be so easy and carefree! Only problem is... I don't know if I could pull off the short hairstyle with my oval face shape. I'm just so sick of my long, THICK hair.
If you have any ideas or thoughts on the matter... PLEASE tell me.

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Lost Socks

I hate it when I'm folding my cleaned laundry and I notice that I'm missing pairs of socks. I look everywhere I've been with those clean clothes and I have no clue to where the missing sock(s) went. They just can't grow legs and feet and wander off; where did they go?! I started getting really bugged by missing so many pairs of socks. Before I put my dirty laundry into the washer machine I made sure that I had an even amount of socks (Yes, I counted how many socks I put into the machine). Sometimes some would already be missing. I also learned that my dog, Josie, loves to take them outside and play with them, which is a big factor to why I have lots of socks with holes in them. Well, I'm still ending up with missing socks. So to my family: If you are taking my socks and wearing them mix-matched, I would like them back please.